Things I Want My Friends To Know About My Grieving

  1. She was my best friend. I was used to talking to her every single day.  I’d call her in the morning when I woke, she was always at work already working away for hours when I called to let her know I was gracing the world for another day.  I called her about the most stupid things, and she pretty much always answered, even at work when she had a mountain of things to do.  I was used to sitting with her in the evenings when she came home from work and we’d talk.  Weekends were spent chatting in truck on the way to do errands.  Sometimes I get a strong urge to call her out of the blue when I’m least expecting it and I can’t.  I cry because I know I don’t get to hear her voice.

  2. There are specific things that remind me of her, and most of them make me happy. Like Waylon Jennings, Johny Cash, Merle Haggard, fishing, and reading to name a few.  I usually openly share a memory when it comes to these.
  3. There are some things that remind me of her and I get sad. Certain songs, mostly her favorites I can’t bring myself listen to yet.
  4. I’m learning to deal with certain foods even. Like cobblers.  My favorite dessert is my mom’s peach cobbler, and I just recently had an apple cobbler that reminded me of mom’s peach cobbler so much I almost started crying.  My mom was a damn good cook, and though I’m biased I know many who would say the same. 
  5. When I say I’m going to see mom, I mean I’m going back home to Mulvane to the cemetery and I don’t know how long it will take me. Some visits I sit and think and other times I go merely to make sure her marker is still there.  Sometimes I’m okay after these visits, and sometimes I’m not.
  6. I’m still in school only for two people: me and my mom. More than ever I’m set on success because I want to make her proud.  I give my best every day, and when I think about giving in early for the day I think of her and stay with it for a couple of more hours.  She was the one who taught me the value of education and hard work, and that’s something I’ll never be able to repay her for.
  7. Sometimes I just need a hug.
  8. Sometimes I just need someone to sit with me and go through my box of pictures together. It hurts but I like sharing the memories with someone, even if they never knew her.
  9. I get excited for a moment when I’m in Winfield and I see a blue F-150 on the street. She loved that truck.  And she loved those mud tires too.
  10. Sometimes I feel nothing but despair and I sit quietly for a long time.
  11. In three days of when I am writing this it will have been 7 months since she died. It hasn’t gotten any easier, but I somehow have learned to cope with it.  Each day is a different, and I handle it the best that I can.

Summer Reflections


A summer of change.

A summer of adventure.

A summer of Netflix.

A summer of figuring it out.

A summer of laughs.

A summer of tears.

A summer of new people.

A summer of new foods.

A summer of books.

A summer of living.

I said good bye to apartment 29-202 just a few short days ago.  This was the place I spent my summer…when I wasn’t on the road or in Texas.  Moving out to my first place wasn’t under very good circumstances but it was what I needed.  This was the place I could finally call my own and I felt 100% safe, something I really needed as I was finally able to begin grieving.

29-202 saw lots of tears.  I cried the first day when I unpacked my suitcase for the first time in three months into a dresser I could call mine.  I cried the first day when I was so tired and dehydrated and I couldn’t figure out that the washing machine wasn’t working because the water was turned off to the machine.  I cried when I felt so alone at night when I really missed talking to mom. I cried for no reason.  I cried when I showed a friend my favorite movie, which I warned her would make us cry.

29-202 saw lots of laughs.  I laughed the third day of life in my apartment when I realized the water was turned off to the washing machine and all I had to do was flip a nozzle.  I laughed at Missy playing with a new toy.  I laughed my way through four seasons of FRIENDS in twelve days.  I laughed with friends while I cooked. I laughed on the phone with my brother.  I laughed at the neighbors playing Pokemon Go when they almost stepped in front of a car.  I laughed for no reason.  I laughed when I tried putting a desk together by  myself after I had wine.  I laughed the next morning when I realized I had put the wrong pieces of the desk together.  I laughed two days later when I called friends in to help put the desk together and tipsy Jess had actually been right and we had to reassemble the whole desk.

My time in 29-202 was short, but it will never be forgotten.

Here’s to the next season, a season of many things I’ll soon be discovering.