Things I Want My Friends To Know About My Grieving

  1. She was my best friend. I was used to talking to her every single day.  I’d call her in the morning when I woke, she was always at work already working away for hours when I called to let her know I was gracing the world for another day.  I called her about the most stupid things, and she pretty much always answered, even at work when she had a mountain of things to do.  I was used to sitting with her in the evenings when she came home from work and we’d talk.  Weekends were spent chatting in truck on the way to do errands.  Sometimes I get a strong urge to call her out of the blue when I’m least expecting it and I can’t.  I cry because I know I don’t get to hear her voice.

  2. There are specific things that remind me of her, and most of them make me happy. Like Waylon Jennings, Johny Cash, Merle Haggard, fishing, and reading to name a few.  I usually openly share a memory when it comes to these.
  3. There are some things that remind me of her and I get sad. Certain songs, mostly her favorites I can’t bring myself listen to yet.
  4. I’m learning to deal with certain foods even. Like cobblers.  My favorite dessert is my mom’s peach cobbler, and I just recently had an apple cobbler that reminded me of mom’s peach cobbler so much I almost started crying.  My mom was a damn good cook, and though I’m biased I know many who would say the same. 
  5. When I say I’m going to see mom, I mean I’m going back home to Mulvane to the cemetery and I don’t know how long it will take me. Some visits I sit and think and other times I go merely to make sure her marker is still there.  Sometimes I’m okay after these visits, and sometimes I’m not.
  6. I’m still in school only for two people: me and my mom. More than ever I’m set on success because I want to make her proud.  I give my best every day, and when I think about giving in early for the day I think of her and stay with it for a couple of more hours.  She was the one who taught me the value of education and hard work, and that’s something I’ll never be able to repay her for.
  7. Sometimes I just need a hug.
  8. Sometimes I just need someone to sit with me and go through my box of pictures together. It hurts but I like sharing the memories with someone, even if they never knew her.
  9. I get excited for a moment when I’m in Winfield and I see a blue F-150 on the street. She loved that truck.  And she loved those mud tires too.
  10. Sometimes I feel nothing but despair and I sit quietly for a long time.
  11. In three days of when I am writing this it will have been 7 months since she died. It hasn’t gotten any easier, but I somehow have learned to cope with it.  Each day is a different, and I handle it the best that I can.

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